Honest K

MASKING INSECURITIES WITH HUMOUR AND SARCASM SINCE 1987

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  • depression relationship

    Postnatal depression really fucked up my relationship

    / April 9, 2019 / 3 Comments

    The impact of depression on our long term relationship

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  • Rage and Depression

    I’m all about the rage, bout the rage no calming. Rage and Depression.

    / January 31, 2018 / 20 Comments

    There’s been something that I have thought about writing about for a while. It’s something that so many people, those affected by mental illness and those that aren’t, experience and deal with on a daily basis. But,…

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  • *hides behind keyboard

    / March 28, 2017 / No Comments

    Popping my blog cherry. Ohhh er

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honestkirsty

Kirsty
No idea what has been happening with this guy over No idea what has been happening with this guy over the last few weeks. Teething. Sleep regression. A leap? No idea. It's been hard, really hard. Savage some days, and that's just the maw 😏 He's woke today in a better mood. Pulling at my eyelashes and those wee hairs at the base of yer neck. The really sore ones. But he was happy, for a change, in the morning. So I'll take the Ben Boofs. A hope, for ma sanity, and that of the family, that he's over whatever shit fest that was. Until the next shit fest a know, a know. If anyone could talk Ben into stopping these 5am wakes, just so he can come in for a snuggle, that would be great. A like a snuggle and aw that, but its 50/50 if he likes it. He has a right strong right hand slap on him. It's hard no to take it personally, but a know he's got an aim on him. I've seen him delicately pick up half a blueberry, so he knows fine well whit he is doin. He might do ma tits in, and a might call him choice words under ma breath, but man, he is cute and I love him so much. Wee happy chappy - for the day at least 💖 #bigbenboofs #righthook #motherandson #bffs #today #upsanddowns #mawcoaster #8monthold #savagewain #cuteboy #chubbycheeks
8 months into being a mother of 2, for the first t 8 months into being a mother of 2, for the first time in years, I questioned 'do I need to seek help? Am I becoming depressed?'. Weeks of patchy, irregular sleep, a baby who has switched up everything I thought I knew about him, and the constant day by day by day of nothing has, finally, opened the door to anger and resentment. By now I should know my mind, the lies it tells. Recently I found myself believing them, worse, I act upon them. Becoming withdrawn, quick to anger, always, ALWAYS looking for a reason to fight with my partner. Like the first time round, he's the mental punching bag. My mind is very efficient at packing away empathy, replacing it with woe is me, laced with 'fuck you!!'. Purposely I withdraw, at a time when I need support. Dwelling in some aggressive form of self destruct, I tell myself I cannot do this anymore, while I sob for the umpteenth time that week. But will I ask for help? Will I fuck. I would rather set traps and tests, to which no one could ever pass. I'd rather make myself more and more miserable. I'd rather huff and sigh my way into a new day, than shake off the lack of sleep and make do. I'd rather resent my partner, for what, I don't know, than tell him I need help - to which he is always offering. I know better than this, but here I am. A mind frame from 5 years ago, not quite depressed, but not healthy either. These are the times I feel helpless, to myself. I know why I act like such a arsehole, I just wish I didn't. I remind myself that I have not been like this for years, I'm a product of circumstance and pressure. I am not the monster I'm behaving like right now. I'm a stressed out human, bored out her tits, with a baby during a pandemic. Not depressed, just not fuckin thrilled with life at present. #ronababy #notababyfan #8monthsof24/7baby #oofty
I left 'tired' Town and moved straight into Neurot I left 'tired' Town and moved straight into Neurotic City. Lack of sleep, teething, illness, regression, whatever else life wants to through into the mix, created the perfect catalyst for me to say 'I can't do this anymore'. Even when the Master is in his slumber, every noise this contraption captures, I brace myself for his call. Kinda like waiting for a car door to shut when you've ordered a take away, except there are no treats behind this door. Only the rage of a baby, raging at something I don't know. It makes me frustrated and sad. My touch doesn't calm him. He arches his back, slap, kicks and nips. Like lack of sleep, his mood and my perceived inadequacy are major temper triggers for me. I feel helpless for him and for me and I feel guilty. Guilty I'm not comforting, guilty I do not want to comfort, guilty I don't want my baby near me. After a tough week, I curse this fucking contraption. Even with both kids asleep, my shoulders are up wrapped round my temple. Every roll. Every sigh. Every breath, I fear my alone time is up. I'm back to the grind. 8 months of 24/7 care. And I feel guilty I don't want to rock a baby to sleep. Seems reasonable, even logical, that a human may snap after such a long period of time. But thats not the crippling thought that occupies my mind when I reach the limit. I just wonder why I can't take another minute of this and what is wrong with me. Nothing. Nothing is wrong. Kids are savage. I'm human. I'm tired. And teething is a bastard. Thats what's wrong here, not me. I give enough to feel guilt, and that's more than enough. #8monthold #8monthsleepregression #8montholdbaby #8monthsbreastfeeding #touchedout #mummedout #teethingcandoone #4incoming #mawoutgoing #someonetakethewheel #imout
The 3 year that lost her tiger... The 3 year that lost her tiger...
Looks cute, but has some bite. For real, those 4 t Looks cute, but has some bite. For real, those 4 teeth are razor sharp. Best used for gnawing notches on yer poor maws boobs during feeds. Oh, and pull biting any and all items that come close to the vamps mouth. #bigben #bigfrights #bigoldeteethbitinghismaw
Jess got her own picture, just so you actually kno Jess got her own picture, just so you actually know she's there. Total eclipse of the Jess by Big Ben there eh. Drool, models own.
I thought I was failing my baby. Severely ill with I thought I was failing my baby. Severely ill with PND, I wasn't like other mums that seemingly enjoyed their babys company. I was so hard on myself, for years. I felt I wasn't good enough, that my daughter deserved a better mother. One that could love her and care for her better than I could. I came across this photo. My baby roughly 6 months old, playing in a pop up tent. Filled with toys. Decorated with fairy lights. Those struck me. Here I see a mother going above the basic level of care. This mother thought enough of her baby to stick lights in the tent, darken the room, let the little one see the full magical display of coloured lights. She didn't need to do this, she didn't even need to put up a tent and create a mini baby play zone. But she did. Despite all she was mentally enduring, she put her baby first. Yet felt like a failure. This picture is more than a happy baby being entertained, exploring lights and textures. What I see is a great mother, wanting the best for her baby. Wanting a happy baby. Making sure the baby gets what she needs and more. Those crappy lights are more than lights. They show that no matter how dark you are and how bad a parent you think you are, you are not. Our mental health can tell us lies, making us believe we are inadequate and failing. But there are glimers of the truth everywhere, if we choose to see them, and believe it. #depressionawareness #pnd #postnataldepressionsupport #postnataldepressionawareness #ppd #motherdaughter #6montholdbaby #mumsmentalhealthawareness #mumsofinsta #realmentalhealth #rawmotherhood
Gave ma maw a piggy back ride on the school run th Gave ma maw a piggy back ride on the school run the day. She was moaning her back is killing her, something about carrying a heavy wain for 9 months. Ffs maw, get over it. That was 7 months ago hen. Nae bother tae me though, a just hooked her tired ass on to ma back and off a walked tae get ma big sis. Threw in a few squats on the way, got tae keep those glutes in tip top nick so a do. #bigbabyben #bigbabyproblems #7monthsoldbaby #schoolrunstyle #schoolrunmum #lightasafeather
Obligatory 'it's autumn' pic. Think I nailed it tb Obligatory 'it's autumn' pic. Think I nailed it tbh. .. That wain took 40 minutes of walking to fall asleep. Nae bother matey. Hauns are fucking freezing. #autumnvibes🍁 #glasgowinautumn #itsfallyall #immafallonthesewetleaves #pavementsarenotmeantfromprams
That's a fierce cat you are looking at. I have no That's a fierce cat you are looking at. I have no idea what that is, but Jess does. And she's determined to be one. She has a zombie bride dress on, cat ears and her maws best attempts at a cat nose and whiskers. As dictated by Jess, with instant evaluations and feedback given. Squeaky butt stuff for a maw, coz she isn't short in telling yea areas in need of dire improvement. A fierce cat. That's exactly what Jess is. I hope she never stops being fierce. Telling me off, rightly so, when I'm being an asshole. Looking after her dad when, again, I'm being an asshole. Her quick wit and on point humour. She's creative and imaginative. Seeing things that most of us just call a zombie dress and cat ears. Dave keeps calling her 'the best of us' and he is so right 💖 #bemorejess #fiercecat #kidsofinstagram #halloween2020
Art installations no2. From the illusive artist. A Art installations no2. From the illusive artist. A call this wan 'Really?!' It's a pandemic mate. You're better using gold leaf for yer art, loo roll is in short supply. #whytho #kidart #kidsareweird #moreshittoclean #whodoneit #awonderwho
Some days, not even this bright smile can make me Some days, not even this bright smile can make me enjoy motherhood. Some days are just hard for a reason you can't name. Lack of sleep, tensions and monotony of parenthood can just flick the switch and you're in 'this is shit' mode for the day. Boredom and loneliness are huge factors. Everyone else seems to have a life, doing things, busy, working. And I'm a mum, a lil babies bitch. 90% of my day is doing things for other people, usually I don't mind. Usually I enjoy it. But there's days like today, when I don't want to do anything for anyone. I don't want to entertain the grumpy baby, get him down for a nap, only for the 5 year old to ask 'do you want to colour with me?'. I really, really don't. But I do. Because that's part of family life. The 5 year old isn't to blame for me wanting to climb the walls. Some days you just want freedom. To shop. To sleep. To eat. To just potter around the house doing whatever it is you feel like. Some days I wish I could hit the snooze button on that baby alarm, the one that moans after 20 minutes. Some days being grateful for your life just won't cut it. Some days I'm heard, spoken, looked and entertained out never mind touched out. Motherhood can be so, so rewarding. But make no mistake it's hard and boring AF on the dark days. #babiesareboring #7monthsold #7monthbaby #babyboy #motherhoodthroughinstagram #parenthood_moments #honestparenting
Are you really doing a jobby if you don't have a w Are you really doing a jobby if you don't have a wain in the bathroom with you? There is no other way to really enjoy a jobby without the tired eyes of a grumpy kid looking up at you. Chewing loo rolls that are more than likely covered in god knows what courtesy of the 5 year old. Sometimes a look up the word 'Privacy', just to get ma juices flowing. 'a state in which one is not observed or disturbed by other people' "she returned to the privacy of her own toilet to do a jobby in peace" Oh man, tell me more. Tell me more about privacy. It's a filthy and taboo word here. I'd love me 50 shade of privacy so a would. #widejobbyeyes #mawlife #honestlymothering #toiletbanter #privacyiseverything #privacyleftlongago #wimadignity #scottishblogger #glasgowblogger #onthepan #wibenjamin #itrhymes #jobby
Mid October, single figure temp, as per. 'Jess, ge Mid October, single figure temp, as per. 'Jess, get your shoes on' Jess.... Lovely. Weather appropriate and looks banging. Wee side note, this is 1 of 2 pairs of shoes that caused Jess to have a shit fit in nursery. They crumpled her socks and 'didn’t fit right'. Talking huge meltdown and kicking off of shoes kinda shitshow. With nursery staff and kids flocking to the scene of the drama. Meanwhile I had my hugely pregnant belly squatting down to her level, trying to contain both her upset and the need to void my bladder. Sweat bursting out of me. Unknown if I would be able to stand back up, and with my bladder dignity intact. Those shoes. At least we are getting the use of them now eh. Cani wait to hear how wet her feet are and how cold she is. #fashionhun #lookitup #lifeofkids #youdoyou #5yearoldfashion #kidswear #somethinglikethat #autumnvibes🍁 #fallvibes🍁 #jessvibes #pickyourbattles
These art installations are becoming such a regula These art installations are becoming such a regular occurrence that I can no longer deprive the world of their splendor. Always a surprise, covertly created, the artist is yet to be named. As are these incredible works of art. I'm open to suggestions. Currently, this particular feast for the eyes has been named: 'Curry Night: Almost Made It' Stay tuned for more imaginative creations from the illusive artist. #artinstallation #installation1 #bathroomart #trooserart #whodoneit #kidart #whytho #imagination #durtywashin #bathroomsurprises #whyisthatahashtag
Be that person that gives more than an ear when li Be that person that gives more than an ear when listening to someone speak of their mental health. Tell them your story, if you can. Make it awkward. Be the person that whips out the word depression in the store when a stranger asks how are finding parenthood. Some people look on like you've just ate a jobby in front of them, others gravitate closer needing the solace you are providing. IDGAF for the discomfort of others who do not want to hear the words mental health being said. Discomfort means nothing in the scheme of people feeling alone or taking their own life or living under a weight that causes families to fall apart. Just be that person who puts the chat on the table. You'll be surprised how many people want it to be there, even if they do start to twitch. You'll take a weight off them and you. Mental health can control people. But it doesn't mean that is who they are. People need to know that. #wmhd #worldmentalhealthday2020
When I was in the thick of depression, I HATED say When I was in the thick of depression, I HATED sayings like it gets better. The storm passes. It's a phase. Because, who are these people to see into my life and my future? I never felt belittled and yet, it pissed me off immensely. This makes me hesitant to share my joy and give words of comfort to others. I've been there. I've felt like no one cared. No one got me. There was no point or hope in speaking out. Parenthood and my mental health would always be a chore, forever hated. But darkness cannot last forever, one way or another there will be a break. Luckily, my break was the light. It beams out the laughing faces of my children. I look at them every single day and think 'how did I get so lucky'. When they play together, I'm reminded that's a noise we very nearly chose not to hear. A son we almost denied for fear of depression returning. I think of that, think how powerful the dark can be. Yet here I am today. A stranger to who I was even 2 years ago. I truly mean it when I say life can get better. Your frame of mind can change. You can feel love and connected again. Those mind demons are temporary, months or years, they will go. Not on their own, but it is possible. You can flip from the mother who hated, and I mean dreaded going home kinda hate, parenthood. To a mum that soaks up her children, almost wishing the days could be a little longer on occasion. You can stop the intrusive and utterly illogical thoughts. People do care, no matter what the mind tells you. I care! People are not out to get you or to hurt you. You don't need to be a victim to your demons. You are stronger and far better than they make you feel. If you love your demons, accept them but politely say 'fuck off', they will stop. Life isn't all roses, not everyday. I struggle, I have stressors, I snap and lose my shit. I'm always learning who and what I am. Thats OK. I am happy, content and grateful. At peace. A place, 5 years ago, I could never have seen. And I would have bit your face off for even suggesting it was possible to be here. #keepgoing #postnataldepression #mentalhealth #findingmyself #findingpeace #realparenthood #honest #lifeafterdepression #lifewithdepression
Sorry pal, the decision has been made. You will be Sorry pal, the decision has been made. You will be asking for that Nintendo shite. And you will be over the fuckin moon about it. No like that time at yer birthday when you stuck a dagger into ma heart saying 'but a wanted the LOL coupe car. I suppose the caravan will do'. (A hunted for a week for that caravan btw. That caravan she DID ask for. Asshole) #iveseenthetypo #butitsdonenow #truestory #savage #merrychristmas #yarocket #mawmemes #mumlife #ivestartedshopping #dontatme #naereturns #youwillbehavinit #lifewithkids
Just taking ma maw on the school run tae get the l Just taking ma maw on the school run tae get the love of ma life, ma big sis Jess. Sporting ma new hat. Ma maw says it makes ma face look even more bawfaced. She's a cheeky witch. But she's no wrang. Might have a Milky bar after the gym the night, no sure. See how a feel. Need ma calories and aw that eh #bigbabyben #bencheeks #bawface #newhat #schoolrun #babylife #mawsbackisbreaking #bigbaby #halftheweightofmasister #andim7month #giesasandwich
🤔 interesting, I've had over 5 hours sleep and 🤔 interesting, I've had over 5 hours sleep and of all of sudden I'm only at level 6 of shank a bitch. As opposed to level 10 yesterday when I could have rammed my car up a slow drivers arse and slaughtered my partner if he dared ask me 'are you ok?' while I glared at him over ma cup of tea. A could have reached nirvana states of tranquility today, but a woke to yet another empty toilet roll tube on the floor, a wain wi an attitude like shes been oot aw weekend on a comedown and a baby that did an almighty jobby which interrupted his morning nap. Lovely. #parentlife #ineedsleep #babiesaresavage #kidsarehard #funny #nofunny #losingmamind #losttheplot #enjoyeveryday #naebother
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