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MASKING INSECURITIES WITH HUMOUR AND SARCASM SINCE 1987

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    Postnatal depression really fucked up my relationship

    / April 9, 2019 / 3 Comments

    The impact of depression on our long term relationship

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Instagram post 2156773128076163336_3452711602 I don't buy into all that #makingmemories propaganda. I find it competitive, stressful, and at times fake. Memories can be false, told to us and manipulated. It's feelings that count. That's the real impact we leave on our children and other people. My child is my equal. I'm less of a parent and more a guide for Jess. Because I'm far from perfect and even if I believed so, that's subjective. Jess is not me. I don't want her to be me. She is her own person, we share DNA and traits, but we are separate people. I don't own her nor have the right to imprint my perceptions, to an extent. I've never understood the traditional parenting perspective to be seen and not heard. A child is a human, an innocent one, that deserves the same respect as any other human. And in some cases more. I can tell Jess the basic right and wrong, don't hurt others and be kind to yourself. But I draw the line there. What is important is that my kid feels respected and heard. That she can tell me off for being rude, point out my flaws without fear of retribution. That when she is hurt, I kneel down and listen to her why. I never want to silence her. I never want my own needs to replace hers. I never want her to feel that she is not enough. No one is above the law in a parent child relationship. That's a dangerous and unhealthy stance to take. I hope my daughter only remembers good feelings in years to come. I hope she continues to grow and teach me about the world. I hope she always knows and feels her worth. And I hope she can always express it knowing it will be met with love and kindness. #respect #mumanddaughter #childrensmentalhealth #childrensmentalhealthmatters #familylife #healing #newbeginnings #speaktoyourkids #listentoyourkids #healthykidsarehealthyadults #mentalhealthwarrior #mentalhealth
Instagram post 2151562893946291261_3452711602 We don't know the thoughts of a person, but we see their actions. What we do with this is a reflection of our inner thoughts and can have a great impact on others. People don't owe you shit. We don't give to recieve or to earn friendship points. Some people are preoccupied with life, stress, depression, anxiety, making it through the day, possibly wearing a mask. Hiding their true self. They may lash out, test, avoid or punish you. They may tell you they know they are doing this or you may see signs of mental illness that they cannot. We can tell friends or family, we are worried, but we should never hold people to standards or grudge a 6 month lapse in communication. We don't need to understand or know intimate details of a person to give them reassurance that you will always be there for them. Be there for people by allowing them to just be. Pressure and guilt wreck those that suffer from mental health. We don't have the energy to battle all fronts. Having a friend that picks up from the last chat and bypasses their own perception to understand ours is priceless. Understand that relationships aren't built on how much you see someone or how often they speak with you. They are built on how we treat people. They are built on how we want to view them. No one owes you the inane 'how are you' message just to keep in touch or to attend that visit that's been scheduled for weeks. We owe people the ability to be what they need to be for as long as they need to be. Occasionally, we take the punches. Someone needs to, being supportive to those battling mental health isn't easy. But that still doesn't mean they owe you anything. Relationships and kindness are invaluable. Always question your own mind before judging others. It takes little to not be a dick and accept maybe that person is trying to navigate their way through something right now. Just be there for people if you can. . #worldmentalhealthday #depression #anxiety #mentalhealth #supportyourfriends #letpeoplebe #friendship #relationships #familylife #speakout #nojudgement
Instagram post 2149556113603123700_3452711602 This time, I feel more excited. Not to say I wasnt excited the first time round. The first time we had a naive idea of parenthood, not knowing what was to come. No one can know until they take the leap. As much as we watched friends and family become parents, theres an element of understanding you only get once you become parents. Like many, we had rose tinted glasses on. And again, like many, those glasses quickly became tarnished with reality and (un)healthy lashings of PND. This time, still somewhat naive as parents to one child, I know there is unknown stresses to come. The difference is, this time I know there is love to come. Even if I have to fight for it again, there will be all consuming love and contentment in our family. The love so strong it makes you pick the kid over the partner in the game of 'who would you save from the fire'. The love that makes you both groan and cherish the 6am snuggles. The love that makes you want to slow time just to enjoy the years you can hug them tight and kiss their forehead as they sleep. The love that is terrifying and beautiful all at once. I didn't know this first time around. This time, whatever happens, I know it's worth the struggle. Darkness will end, and the reward is more than worth it. . #20weekspregnant #PND #newbaby #mumof1 #mumof2 #mentalhealing #glasgowblogger #scottishblogger #pregnantlife #pregnantbelly #pregnancylife #mentalhealthinpregnancy #prenatalmentalhealth
Instagram post 2146650601647587661_3452711602 I've been waiting for this day! And here it is!!!!! The day my child draws a phallic-esque picture at nursery! I am delighted with her artwork. She went for an almost chode effort with 2 balls and umm...a wide peep hole I guess 🤷‍♀️ Top marks for colour selection, other than the blue diagnosable fungal infection shes added. Aw Jess, you've done me proud. . . No idea what its 'meant' to be. I don't want her to ruin my moment here. It's a penis picture and that's the way it's staying. . #topmarksforthechode #chubby #butballsy #4yoartist #kidsartwork #miniartist #proudmaw #bestday #boabyart #boabyastic #soimmature #butitlookslikeaboaby #parentinghighlights #moantheboaby
Instagram post 2145258979479361677_3452711602 Least we forget, the 4000 mile trip for a face like a slapped arse when faced with your fave Disney princess. (Can't believe I didn't share my fave snap with our fave princess!) #disneybelike #disney #disneymagic #where? #myidol #bellenotjess #grumpytits #waltdisneyworld #expensiveshitpics #makingmemories #andresentment #weeshite
Instagram post 2143782924973322974_3452711602 'I know where to hide' says Jess, playing hide and seek in the maze with her dad. And she did! We sat there for ages, while dad wandered about trying to find us belters. Absolutely thrilled with ourselves. I would have sat there all day and made him suffer, but Jess cannot physically sit still for longer that 5 minutes, so had to get up and give our spot away. Master spot finder, shit stamina. I've been known to hide so well and so long that Jess cries and her da forces me to come out ma spot. Some people just cani handle a good game of hidey. #autumnvibes🍁 #hideandseek #hideyinthepark #buddies #hoesbeforebros #parklife #almostpeed #whilesquating #pregnantlife #pregnantproblems
Instagram post 2140892521370665809_3452711602 From hating my newborn, my life and parent role, wanting to run from it all, to this. The image of complete love. This pregnancy was a conscious choice. The strain of becoming parents, the toll on our mental health, the reality that 'better' is a journey with deviations, being happy with our situation, fearful to tempt depression back again. All considered, the decision wasn't made lightly. What I didn't consider was love. We can be so fearful and negative, naturally, projecting the future based on our past. I didn't expect to be overwhelmed with contentness or love. More in love than I have ever been. More grateful than ever to have this tiny hand in my life. I no longer think I don't belong or don't deserve love. I savour every minute of sharing this pregnancy, despite contending with the aches and moods that come along with it. I love being pregnant because I appreciate all that is around me, I appreciate that I can feel love. And enjoy it. Love can be very comforting. We don't know what will happen when the baby arrives, or before. But I know that this little hand will guide me through regardless. Like the comfort of a safety net, I know that if shit does go wild I have people around that support purely out of love, unconditional love. #19weekspregnant #PND #pregnantlife #pregnancyafterdepression #familylife #newbaby #luckyinlove #honestparenthood #honestparenting
Instagram post 2139933012833737853_3452711602 Someone sent me this. Cheeky bastard. And a liar. I don't see 'ragey psycho' dwarf on the line up so it can't be in reference to me. Image repost from @thebabychick #whoneedsenemieswithfriendslikethese #illsendthehormonesround #watchyoself #funny #cozitstrue #honestk #ormoodyK #pregnantlife #pregnantandcranky #pregnantandlookingforfights #pregnantandwillshankabitch
Instagram post 2136552150800870345_3452711602 Last week I lost my shit when Jess knocked over a cup of water. Last week I grew rage filled when Jess had a toilet accident. Last week my kid was a kid and I hated every inconvenience. Last week I snapped. I tucked my kid into bed, fast read her book, closed her bedroom door and burst into tears. I sat and sobbed at the side of my bed. It was more than the 'crazy' cries of a pregnant woman. It was the cries of a pregnant woman that knows she's being an arsehole but cannot help it. I joke at my own moods. But the reality is I'm not a mindless drone. I know the impact I have on others. I feel guilt. I pressure myself to be or feel things I do not. I worry I'll lose this pregnancy or baby to PND. Constantly waiting for the dark to appear. Last week I cried on the phone as Dave told me he would be home late. I desperately wanted him to feed and comfort me, and an extra hour was too much. The accumulation of uncertainly, change and strain broke out of me. I sobbed for reasons I don't know, other than 'this is too much'. I'm tainting this pregnancy with the ghost of PND. Well, I was until I broke. Sometimes you need to roll with the rage and be the beast. I tried to simmer it, control my emotions. When all they wanted was to be heard and released. I'm not suggesting to be a grumpy arsehole 24/7. Rather, just let yourself be. Like happiness, stress and upset need to be expressed. If that means acting like a bitch for 2 month then crying it out, well that's how it needs to be. This week, I'm happy as a pregnant bitch in a free pizza shop. But still not here to entertain you knowing the sex of my baby coz it was a full moon last week. So still keep stepping on those eggshells. #PND #pregnantlife #mentalhealing #crazybitch #18weekspregnant #motherhoodunplugged #rawmotherhood #honestparenting #parenthood_unveiled #parenthood_moments #honestparenthood
Instagram post 2134256984157114676_3452711602 Me my entire pregnancy so far. A crabby bitch. Not dead, empty, hollow, done for, kaput. Wait a minute...🤔
Instagram post 2130016203082951130_3452711602 Suicide is a topic we all know about, yet may know nothing about. Often the highest of taboo topics, it's difficult to discuss. When my depression was being evaluated, 1 question was 'have I considered suicide?'. I said no. Not a lie, yet not the truth. I fantasised about leaving my newborn baby and my partner. Running away from it all. Thinking when would be the best time, how I could do it without being traced. Where I would go. What I would do for money. How could I escape? Feeling trapped, powerless, exhausted. Overwhelmed with wanting to escape, I thought what would be the 'easiest' route. It's then that I understood what drove a person to suicide. I understood the relief that would come with suicide. But my relief would come as a huge source of pain for those around me. I couldn't have my daughter growing up with tales of her mother and how alike we are, her memories created via pictures and stories. I'd often think, if I didnt have my daughter and partner, I would be free to go as I pleased. They were my reason for not giving into my fantasy of escape. I speak of depression, not loving my baby, how it changed my life. But fantasizing about thoughts fluttering very close to suicide or escape is something I keep close. For fear of shock or 'you are so ill' or being misunderstood. We often see suicide as the last act of someone very ill. I believe suicidal thoughts to be more common than we think. Yes I was ill, in a dark place. But a person doesn't need to be very ill or for a long time to start to dwindle down that path. It was frightening to truly understand and empathise with someone who has taken their own life. Which only worried me more and prevented me from sharing. The reality is we shouldn't gasp when a person says they have entertained a suicidal thought, yet we don't want to negate their mental health. We need to normalize and openly talk about these thoughts. From fantasies of suicide to the very real scenario of planning your own death. Mental health lurks in many forms, all of which are normal and should be talked as such. We've normalized talking of sadness, now we need to normalize suicide. The topic many of us hate to admit. #WSPD
Instagram post 2128535502437224681_3452711602 Mind that time I started an absolute shitshow on social media by slagging mums for wearing mum leggings (it was very much a tongue in cheek joke, but shit got wild quickly. And I learnt that bitches be wild over their leggings and I will never do any such joke again). I'm going to confess that I own leggings. Maternity leggings. So they don't qualify as mom leggings. Coz a fuckin say so. Here I am sporting them. 16 weeks pregnant and even the mat jeans are not comfortable. Karma eh. I'll be in leggings in the fucking winter. That's what you get for taunting mums in leggings. Worth it though. Worth every hate comment I got. Worth a chilly bottom as we head, see through butt first into the cold months. ... ... ... ... All you legging wearers still need to sort your shit out 😈 other clothing options are available. ... ... ... Damn these are fucking comfortable. #leggingwars #momwars #crazybitchwars #teamjeans #teamonthewindup #dontcomeatme #imtoocomfytocare #coldarsemindyou #leggingsarenotclothing #leggingsaredreamy #karmaprobwearsleggings
Instagram post 2127138043769369720_3452711602 Know how that thing you do with babies, the trying not to disturb them, replacing your patting hand on them with a teddy so they dont notice you're trying to escape? Doesny work on 4 year olds. Doesny work on babies to be fair. At least it never worked on chronic stalker wain. Didn't get 2 steps away from my own bed before my biggest fan realised I was trying to get down the stair for a cup of tea in peace. Standard weekend practice. Happy 7am wake up calls this weekend, despite having absolutely no fucking need to be up before 12 ✌ And happy being wide a fucking wake when you are rudely awoken. It's no that during the week when I would happily uppercut ma kid just to have 10 more minutes asleep. #happyweekend #saidnoparentever #7am #isthenew10am #isitaye #eyeslikedugsbaws #isthatevenasaying #amtired
Instagram post 2124226759914596029_3452711602 There's been a few new stalkers here and its customary to do a intro post. I love reading others, but hate doing that shit when it's me. But here we are. Post natal depression brought me here. I didn't fall into motherhood easily. I hated my baby. I hated my partner. I hated being a mother. I hated myself. Having a kid a destroyed me, mentally and labially, but let's not go down the 5th labia path again. People will be eating their dinners at this time. Pissed off and ill, I made my blog. Gradually, I gained confidence and realised I didn't need to feel guilt or shame for my hand in parenthood. Nothing about depression is asked for. Little of it is controllable. Little of it is 'me'. I'm here to continue to share and support others, like they do me. I'm glad I suffered with PND. I've grown. I'm more open. I challenge my own judgements and learn about others on a daily basis. IDGAF for opinions or advice I didn't ask for, 'psychic' views on my pregnancy or people telling me what to do - I've never been a fan of that one. I'm a real angry, hormonal bitch right now, but that won't change even when the baby is out me. But also don't take anything too seriously. If I didn't break the ice with laughing and joking, I would be more mental than I am now. I'm grateful to every person that shares with me and supports any of the shite I share. I couldn't say enough how much I appreciate the support from people here. I hope to give others that support, by being honest. Sharing the good shit and the ugly shit. Ultimately, we are all in the same shit, navigating it the best we can. All we need is someone to say its shit sometimes, to make us feel better. #whyyousayingshit #idontlikethisshit #whyyousoawkward #dunnomate #dontlikeit #preferactinglikeanass
Instagram post 2121349230065227701_3452711602 Most days I hit a wall by 2pm. Some days I wake and I've hit the wall. Physically I'm drained, tired, sore, cramping and generally uncomfortable. I'm 15 weeks pregnant. I'm a mother to a 4 year old. I'm going through some big life changes. I worry for the future and my mental health, my family, the huge change incoming. My hormones make me grumpy and rude. IDGAF is my attitude and I feel guilty for it. Despite knowing better, I'm beating myself up. I feel like a failure, like I'm being a huge negative burden. I have no energy or want to play with my kid in the PM. I cannot fucking wait for bedtime so I can sit in this spot and not speak, listen or be present with anyone. Again, for this I feel bad. This heavy self imposed weight of not being there for people is crushing me mentally, making it easy for self hate to nestle and little space for acceptance. My body feels like is needs a break, and I think of people who have it worse and I should quit my moaning. I know that's not how to view the world, I know my feelings are valid. But still I'm getting to myself, I'm letting that shit get the better of me. I'd be the first to say be kind to yourself, nothing matters other than looking after yourself. Right now, as I sit and watch my kid on her kindle, wait for Dave to finish work and cook for me, I feel like I'm being lazy, completely crushed under the force of 'should be'. I know that's bullshit. But I still feel shit nonetheless. It will pass. But this lingering fear of change ahead is all too powerful when I'm weak from the day. At night it's not as easy to tell thoughts to fuck off and be present in the moment. Tomorrow is a new day and this mood will shift, for that I'm thankful. I just don't appreciate my mind taunting me, giving hints of low mood that I've been free for from months. Like a cold you feel coming, these dips worry me for what may or may not come to pass. Let's work on the latter. #15weekspregnant #hormonalAF #lifeafterPND #babyafterPND #PND #momlife #mentalhealing #futurefears #staypositive #staystrong #depression
Instagram post 2119099538778505881_3452711602 To share or not to share? From the moment the stick says 'pregnant' you fall into the judgemental world of parenthood. Despite having some pretty strong views on not sharing our pregnancy, I still had trouble thinking if keeping the news to us was 'doing the right thing'. But then I decided, our news isn't something other people deserve to hear over our wishes. Nor is it something to hide until the 'safe' time to share. What it boiled down to, was our wants for our family. That's all that matters. I go into it in a bit more depth in a blog post, link in bio. But the gist of it? I didn't want to tell anyone coz I didn't want too. Nor did I feel that I should hide or announce anything. I wanted to be left well alone, enjoying this time without anyone else involved. It's no ones right or business to know. The only person I wanted to know and understand was Jess, before anyone else. These hormones got me all protective and leave me the fuck alone all at once 🖕 I should have seen from the get go these hormones are savage, and they don't look like they are simmering down anytime soon 🤷‍♀️ #babynews #illdefuckingcide #hormonesbesavage #butalso #theyberight #ourjourney #ourchoice #ourbusiness #newblog #2inmonth #woah #slowdown #amazingblogger #bestblogger #glasgowblogger #scottishblogger #swearyblogger
Instagram post 2116243727555459228_3452711602 This came up on my FB memories today. A 5 day old Jess receiving the infamous handshake from my gran. These shakes always resulted in the lucky receiver getting a cheeky fiver or tenner. And in one unlucky case, getting a receipt instead of a fiver 😂 It upsets me to know the human I'm growing won't get to meet my gran. Or rather, my gran won't get to meet the baby. She was the first person in the family we told about Jess. In happiness she cried and couldn't be more delighted for us. Always happy to see us, when she worked out which grandchild she was seeing 😆, her joy at our visit was genuine. She loved Jess very much. I don't think I've met anyone that enjoyed asking and listening to others talk about their family as much as my gran did. She would always laugh at what fuckery Jess had been doing, ask if I still enjoyed work, even asking about my friends that she had never met. I miss her crude humour, weird body slaps that often resulted in her slapping a boob, her stories of being fed up with men so she left them at the dancin and the way her face lit up and the 'oh, Kirsty it's you!' when I saw her. She was some wuman ❤
Instagram post 2114793200288234305_3452711602 It's a little known fact that this page was created because of my blog. Little known because I never actually blog anymore, yet see fit to pay a fucking fortune for the pleasure of having said space on the internet. To make good use of my credit card debit and to get over my fear of sharing (you wouldn't think I had a fear of sharing judging by the TMI of my stories, but I do) I've sort of documented my pregnancy so far. I also wanted to journal my journey because I wish I had done it with Jess. Pregnancy is both bullshit and beautiful, I want to look back and remember 'oh, I mind that time I didn't speak to Dave for a whole night and day after he didn't come to bed at 7pm' #memories Anyway, if you're a nosey bastard and want to have a read, the link is in my bio. #honestkblogs #saywhat #breakingtheinternet #breakingthebank #hostingcharges #areprimebullshit #newblog #scottishblogger #mumblogger #iguess #swearyblogger #forfuckingsure #pregnancyblog
Instagram post 2113032642551579636_3452711602 Happy Birthday to this mini human that loves unconditionally, something for the longest time I felt both didn't deserve and was fearful of. Her growth and maturity surprises me everyday. She's bore the brunt of many of my mental frustrations, and she taught me a lessons after each. The most important is that I cannot 'break' her, nor does she 'deserve' a better mother. She wants me for her mum and shes not afraid to scream back, walk away from me or demand that I listen and apologise for my actions, to keep me as her mum. She doesn't realise how much of a superstar she is when she rightly growls 'don't speak to me like that! Say sorry!'. She gets that from her father, and I really am grateful for it. Who knows where I would be without these two Macs telling my demon to fuck off and simmer down. I hope this little belter continues to grow to be a strong, confident, secure, 'I am the captain now', entertaining, amazing and loving human. Happy birthday to my nemesis ❤ #birthday #lucky #growingfast #mylove #mynemesis #mybuddy
Instagram post 2112383774897849851_3452711602 Jess, please, I've just made breakfast and cleaned the kitchen, let me sit with my tea and watch TV for 5 minutes. Jess.... Proceeds to sing, be loud as fuck and narrates the birthday cake shes making (see plastic blob in pic), while expecting me to respond and be part of the weird birthday scenario happening on the rug. This is the fucking opposite of leaving me alone. Good job J, good job. #coldtea #canihear #highwaypatrolaustralia #happyweekend #ayeok #couldntevenpoopinpeace #ihadtotakeabreakfastorder #midway #excellent #sheiscutethough
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