So, I think I’m having a mid mid-life crisis. Well, I guess it could be a ‘mid-life’ crisis, considering the current life expectancy in Glasgow is 71. This year I will be 30, so maybe I am half way through life. But since I’m having a crisis here, I’ll stick to the mid mid-life crisis, I can’t handle thinking about my own mortality right now.
Like most other problems, I’m going to blame devil child Jess for this. There’s nothing quite like ramming a child out your body then plunging face first into a concrete wall of responsibilities to change your every fiber as a person. Body image included. Pretty sure Jess pushed my skin to it’s absolute limit knowing fine well it would never bounce back to it’s original, somewhat taught (purely based on post baby), shape. As if it wasn’t enough to give me some squashy new baby seats on my hips, she also stuck her tiny little nails in my skin and ripped beautiful stretch marks along the hip cushions and, randomly, one inner thigh. Don’t try to convince me this isn’t how you get stretch marks – I saw the skin under her nails!
Body changes as side, who am I? Where is Kirsty? Have I become just a ‘mum’? What am I doing with my life? What is my DESTINY?! – I joke….
You see, I must be having a mid mid-life crisis? You need more evidence? Righty-oh
Exhibit A – Piercing holes in my body
To be fair, I had been thinking about this one for a long time, even before monster child. So I done it, I got my right helix pierced! Not only that, I went with my lover (my sis-in-law, we are best of buddies) and we got matching piercings. Yes, matching. Because we are cool and you are not, so don’t be jealous. We also have matching names (that’s another story for another time. I do worry about my brother). Now I am super cool and hip with my new trendy piercing (think it was trendy about 10 years ago). My 15 year old niece was only too quick to point out how lame her cool aunt and loser mum are. Whatever, I’m not a regular mom, I’m a cool mom.
She is obviously just jealous that she cannot be as awesome as her 29 year old aunt.
I’m going back for a double helix, once my ear has healed. My body isn’t as resilient as it used to be (it’s been 3 weeks!!). I am super keen and excited to start buying lots of ‘hip’ rose gold earrings, the smaller the better. I want two tiny rose gold hoops for my double helix. Apparently all the kids are wearing them (and rose gold), you can get fake clip on helix earrings in Topshop, I obviously started that trend. I’m not trying to keep up with the kids, I’m too cool for that…
Exhibit A.1 – My niece has some how convinced her parents to consent to her nose getting pierced. Ehhh, hello? If a teenager is getting piercings then I must still be (never was) cool? #coolasfudge
Exhibit B – Attire
This isn’t all my doing, the clothes shops are filled with teen approved clothing – another way to look at this is I’m still desperately clinging to my youth by shopping in these stores and it’s about high time I moved onto supermarket clothing, get me some attire that covers my poor cold ankles.
I can’t do that, please don’t make me. So I rock about in , ankle grazing, high-waisted, knee exposing, but surprisingly comfortable skinny jeans. I’m not sure about the teens in your area but mine? They all strut about in skinny jeans that go up to their rib cage, paired with a shrunk (crop) top that exposes their (stupid) flat mid rifts. I don’t do the crop tops (that’s a lie, I have one or two and I wear a vest under to hide my skin. Jeezo, I’m so old ‘hide my skin’ – it’s so I don’t get cold and I’m considerably more wobbley that a 13 year old) but I have started wearing ‘floaty’ tops with my skinny jeans. Are they cool? You know, like the over sized T-shirts. #checkamericaneagle #imascoolasthosechicks
Wait it gets better.
I pair the ripped, skinny jeans with high top trainers. Usually, I run new clothing items past Dave, he is actually a very good fashion guru. I told him I was thinking about buying high top Converse (my first pair ever!) and his reply was something along the lines of -‘you are almost 30‘ so I added the shoes straight to the basket and swiftly added in my bank details. Almost 30 indeed. I’ll show him! I love them! Dave likes them too (in yo face boy!). My nieces like them too, in fact they always comment that they like my clothes…they are aged 9, 10 and 15…….I’m down with the kids aren’t I? I am having some kind of mid mid-life crisis. They aren’t meant to like what their 29 year old aunt is wearing. Oh no. What a mess.
After seeing this all down in writing, I have come to the conclusion that, indeed, I am having some from of crisis. Although, not too much that I actually care or I’ll change. Soon enough the cool kids will make skinny ripped jeans obsolete and I’ll still be wearing them, coz bitches don’t be wasting money on clothes to stop wearing them when they aren’t cool (I have 10 year old Adidas superstars in my wardrobe that my niece would love because they are back in fashion). Maybe I should change? Maybe it’s time to cut my ties with everything from my teen years, maybe I should start wearing ‘comfortable’ shoes that provide arch support. Maybe I should buy high quality linen trousers that don’t expose my knees to the elements and prove adequate length to engulf my (baltic) ankles in fabric . Maybe then I can wear real socks and not those annoying stupid quarter socks that come off your feet as soon as you move, migrating to the front of your shoe, filling you with rage! But, ehhhhhh hello!, how cool (f’ing cold) do I look in my Nintendo vans and skinny ankle grazers? *flicks hair*
Maybe, maybe not. I’m not old. Don’t tell me I am! I’m fine, I’m not having a crisis, you are!
*turns away in a huff, sticking earphones in and listens to Nicki Taylor singing ‘oh na na whats my name’ whilst downloading a Keeping up with Kim and her Family, sipping on my Costabucks.