Continuing with the long run up to my big 3-0 celebrations (previous 30 things), I have complied a list of 30 things that really peeve me (piss me right) off. Maybe I’m getting old, bitter and grumpy as I’m fast approaching my 30s. Maybe I’m fed up with people’s shit. Or maybe I’m grumpy as I live off a diet of sugar and caffeine and it’s been at least 2 hours since my last sugar hit.
Who cares! I’m going to moan my tits off.
30 Things… that do my fucking nut in
1.Scottish people, actually, scratch that – anyone that lives in Scotland and has done for more than 5 minutes, who bitch and whine about the ‘depressing’ weather. It’s Scotland! It rains. It’s cold. There are literally 2 seasons – winter and spring. It’s windy, all the time. Summer is about as real as our national animal – a unicorn.
Get over it! And stop saying it’s depressing!! Sure we would all love a bit more sun, but to say it’s ‘depressing’ is a bit dramatic to say the least.
1.1**Bonus pet peeve** – David back seat blogging me! Telling me that the weather can be ‘depressing’, it’s common in Scotland for people to need vitamin D supplements and lights due to low levels of Sun, which has been proved to cause depression. Aye, I’m fully aware of this mate! But the majority of whiners aren’t moaning the weather is causing their depression and thus making the weather ‘depressing’, they are being melodramatic because it’s been raining for 3 weeks in a row.
This brings me to my next point –
2. Mansplaining. Actually, it should be more like Anyonesplaining. If you haven’t heard of mansplaining before, basically it’s this really sexist term to describe how men love to explain everything and anything, if you give them half the chance and even when you don’t.
I don’t want to fuel the sexist fire here, but I live with a chronic mansplainer, the evidence is clear for everyone to see above. Chances are I don’t need someone to explain what ‘John Doe’ means, or the currency used in China or the American constitution. I either know or don’t care. And if I do care, I’ll ask, Google that is. I ain’t got the time to ask a mansplainer, before you know it I’ll be hearing about the Ming dynasty, when all I wanted to know was when is Alien: Convent is out on blu-ray.
3. I joke, but sexism really pisses me off.
4. Most of the world’s Twitter users. What is with the crude and obscene tweets?! They aren’t even funny. Recently I seen one talking about every day is girth day if you have a large, ahem, penis. What?! No. Stop it. Too far, way too far. I love a girthy limerick as much as the next person, but this is beyond the pale. It’s not clever. Or funny. Or entertaining. Yet, sigh, the 45 retweets and a 100 likes the tweet received are contrary to my beliefs.
5. These new, four year long adverts on YouTube. Okay, they might not be 4 years long, but 30 seconds and you can’t skip it?! Naw, that is plenty my friend.
6. Fake sneezes. You give it the ohhh, uuuhhh, eeeee, inhaling more and more air, holding it in, getting ready for the big release. You might make the classic sneeze face, puffing your chest out…here it comes! Get the tissue ready!!! Aaaach….nothing.
Fake sneezes pop up the most during office meetings, socializing with new people and mid conversation. No other times. And certainly not when one is alone.
7. Packaging that doesn’t tear off. Or half tears. Or the tearable bit tears and you are left staring at your package whilst holding the only piece that was ‘easy’ to tear. The most infuriating non tearers are: Dominos Pizza’s Frank’s hot sauce pots – Every fucking time! I kid you not! No one needs that sort of frustration when they NEED their pizza and hot wings smothered in the good stuff. Any ready meal – hot and unrippable is just soul destroying. The wee fiddly bits they place on top of milk cartons, milkshakes and fruit juices. Naw. Stop this. If you don’t get it off in one fell peel, then you are faced with a miss pouring carton of pain. It pours as accurately as a man peeing in the middle of the night, drunk.
8.Updates. Of any kind. Actually, it’s not the update that annoys me, it’s the coercion into applying said update. My phone reminds me daily when it needs and update, in fact it places a handy wee symbol at the top of my screen. Thanks Samsung, I’m fully aware I ‘need’ an update, I will, myself, decide if and when to apply it.
Laptops are a little less high maintenance, at least I can tell that to bugger off for a while, or ‘set a date’ for 2789 for it to apply the update.
9.The amount of adverts on Android devices, especially the Kindle. It’s a wonder how Jessica hasn’t spent all my cash on ‘in app purchases’ or developed a gambling addiction with the amount of casino app adverts that pop up.
10. While we are at it, I’m going to say I hate the Kindle. Ohhh controversial. But no, it’s shit. It’s slow. It’s high maintenance. You press one wrong button and your out of Peppa on YouTube and hurtling towards a moaning toddler demanding PPPPPEEEEPPPA! Meanwhile the Kindle thinks now is the time to have a little nap or suggest I download the latest ‘Gamble your money away’ app. Don’t even get me started with ‘background’ running of stuff on this piece of shi….
11. Slow electronics.
12. People who, at the petrol station, have a slow gander around the shop like they are at the bloody mall. Move your arse and pay for your fuel. Bitches got places to be and even if we don’t, I still don’t want to hang about while you peruse the crisp section – pick up a packet of salt and vinegar and get on with your life.
13. While we are on the fuel subject, why the hell does diesel ALWAYS get all over your hands?! Never had this problem with petrol. I hear it’s something to do with diesel composition, I don’t really care for this information. It’s so bloody annoying, and some pumps are worse than others. Diesel pissing all over the place! Again, like a drunken man peeing in the night.
14. Any website that doesn’t offer PayPal as a form of payment. The reason I shop online is because I am deathly lazy, so do you really think I’m going to stretch over to find my bank card? Doubtful.
15. That one pair of socks that fall of your feet as you walk. We all have a pair. Why don’t we put them in the bin? I don’t know, I do know, that as soon as you leave the house the wee shits will begin their migration to your toes, in doing so it makes you curse yourself and vow to throw them out. You never do.
16. Having an itchy foot IMMEDIATELY after lacing up your shoes, or worse after lacing up winter boots. It’s always that insanely tickly itch that you need to scratch or you will end up pulling your hair out. And you just know rubbing your foot against something isn’t going to cut it. The boots need to come off, at least the scratch is satisfying.
17. These nutters that spam ‘like’ 55 of your posts, yet never read any of them, is this normal? Call me old fashioned but I need to read something before I ‘like’ it. Maybe they see it as supportive, but the cynic in me see’s it as spamming so I will go check their page out. I’m not gonna do that my friend. You’re on my ‘list’ now. Don’t worry, it’s a mental list and I will more than likely forget, but it’s there nonetheless.
18. Spineless people. If you see someone being wronged and you agree that it is wrong, speak up, act on it. Don’t save your own skin at the expense of anothers.
19. People playing ‘Fridge Standoff’. You might play this game too, it’s when clearly inedible and out of date food is left in the fridge and no one puts it in the bin. I’m not sure what is worse, that A – you are aware you are playing and don’t put in the the bin or B– you have no clue you are playing and just think that fresh olive mix you bought and opened over a month ago are somehow STILL going to be edible. Or that milk carton that is now churning it’s own cheese.
Other games in the Standoff franchise include – toilet roll tube, taking the bin out, putting things in the loft, any form of gardening, making cups of tea, going food shopping, toddler needs a poo,toddler needs breakfast, toddler wakes during the night, toddler shouts ‘MuMMMMAy’ in the morning and ‘what’s for dinner tonight’.*
*Disclaimer, I’m not having a complete dig at my man friend here, I play the game too, but obviously I’m cute when I play and never annoying or lazy…
20. The auto-correct on my phone that now ‘auto-corrects’ the correct spelling of a word to the wrong spelling?!? I know I’m shit as spelling, there is no need to mock me and make it worse. What’s the point of spell check when I need to Google it anyway?! At least it has mastered important words like fuckin, sayin, onesie and i’lldefuckingside. But especially, no, I’ve put that in wrong so many times even my phone thinks it’s ‘espcially’.
21. When your jacket, jumper or zipper sleeve has turned inside out and you haven’t noticed and you just flap away, turning in circles becoming more irate that you, as a fully grown adult, cannot get this item of clothing on! Again, this usually occurs in the presence of others while you are fake sneezing.
22. People who ‘hate’ on something because it’s main stream. I can’t roll my eyes enough at this one. See people that give it all the hoohaa that they hate Apple because it’s over priced or it’s not the best or it’s this or it’s that, blah blah blah. Away and gies peace! Aye, it’s over prices, aye, you can argue until you are blue in the face that it’s not the best on the market, but don’t give it the ‘I hate Apple!!’ Shite. Or I hate Android. Or I hate Facebook. Or I hate this popular brand or this new fad, just because. Away and bile yer head, and bile it again. Cani be arsed wi people that ‘hate’ on something for no good reason other than it’s mainstream or popular. Sorry to burst your bubble, but by trying to be non mainstream, you are ‘mainstream’, your the I hate ‘mainstream’ mainstream. There’s a million folk in that group, so you might as well join the unicorn, Apple, Android and Starbucks lovers and be happy. **
I would have loved a Starbucks unicorn frappuccino.
**However, having said that don’t even get me started on the extravagant and ever increasing ‘item’ advent calendars that are hitting the stores. 25 miniature bottles of face cream, for 30 bucks?! What is this madness?!
23. Lurpack spreadable. It’s only spreadable if you take it out the fridge 4 years in advance.
24. Jessica’s new skill of saying ‘Mummay’ for no good reason. I reply ‘yes? child?‘ and she ignores me. She says ‘mummay’ again. I reply ‘yes?‘. Nothing. She says ‘mummay, mummay, mummay’ I reply ‘whit is it!?‘ Nothing. I tell her to stop saying mummy if she’s not wanting something. She says ‘mummay’. *deep breaths, deep breaths* Guess that’s me set for the next ten years or how ever long it takes her to bore of me.
25. Not being able to find something only to find it when you are looking for something else. Every. single. time.
26. Forgetting anything. Really, this will place me in one of the worst moods a person can witness. If I could give myself 30 lashing I would.
27. Radars. Boss radars – when you want to slip out work early and they hand you a bucket of work. Kid radars – when you want them to piss of to bed early so you can, well, do anything really, but instead they are sick or grumpy or anything that requires attention. Social Radars – when you have grand plans of meeting someone or having a luxury alone night with pizza and crap TV, basically wanting to hide, a social radar will go off and you’ll find yourself worming your way out of meeting friends purely because you want a Pizzahut alone.
Radars also come in the form of objects – late for work, car is out of fuel. Spent all your cash, car needs serviced. What a bath, boiler packs in. Need that delivery today, delivered to wrong address. If you find yourself sarcastically saying ‘of course it did’ then that’s a radar at work.
28. Itunes opening and subsequently slowing my laptop every single time I turn the laptop on, despite telling the program to give it a by. I don’t even use itunes.
29. When they ask if you would like sauce in McDonalds. I’m sorry, come again, I’m going to eat these 20 McChicken nuggets dry? What kind of savage do you think I am?! Then they hand you one sauce, for 20 nuggets and two people. Maybe there is a global shortage, I don’t know for sure. I’m about one McChicken nugget away from carrying ketchup in my bag.
Also, when in the drive through and placing a hefty McOrder, they ask if I need a bag…..no pal, chuck it oot the windae and I’ll catch it and place it in my own special McNugget bag. AYE! I need a bag. I know you need to ask as bags are charged at 5p, but c’mon tae f…Time spent bag asking you could have Mcpacked my McNuggets by now.
30. People spouting, either via their mouth or social media, facts….that they haven’t checked….and aren’t facts. Look, I’m no encyclopedia, but I do know how to Google.
Classic facts that piss me off are anything supporting a certain Conservative political party, whether that be that ‘immigrants are stealing our jobs’, ‘immigrants are stealing our homes’, ‘immigrants are the reason my granny cani afford heating this winter’ or ‘the royal family brings in more money to the economy than it takes’. If you see a shocking, fear mongering, headline, do yourself a favour and question it. And don’t be offended when someone fact checks the piece of garbage you shared and corrects you on it. Riles me up when people believe anything they see or read and never think to question it. Even worse, they use this ‘information’ to incite hate towards others. Put down the propaganda ‘news’papers and turn off the propatelevision and open your eyes.
Any suggestions for the next instalment of 30 things? I’m determined to keep this going until my thirty…which is 3 months away, so unless you want 30 things that piss me off volume 2, then I think it best you all chip in and give me some ideas.