Continuing with the 4 month long run up to my big 3-0 celebrations (previous 30 things), I have complied a list of 30 things that should be known to expectant parents. Maybe there should be some kind of disclosure agreement or something new expectant parents should sign before the big day, in fact these points should be make known to couples even thinking about conceiving a child! It’s all fun and games till the baby pops out, then the real hardshi(t)p begins!
30 Things that should be made explicitly clear when having a child
- You are never, never, going to sleep again. I know, I heard the jokes too, I didn’t believe them either. I laughed off the snide comments from my dark under eyed, twitching, neurotic friends and family. Now, I am one sleepless night away from complete insanity.
- You need to shove you’re ideals right up your ass. That’s where they belong. Don’t ever dare utter the words ‘my child wont…’. Don’t. My child won’t drink sugary drinks or throw tantrums in the super market, I will teach her better than that. HAHAHAHA! You child is going to be an arsehole up there with the rest of them.
- Your mind and body will become a vehicle that’s sole purpose is for thinking about you child and protecting your child. Everything becomes child, child, child. Ever been excited to go on holiday? Well imagine that, multiplied by 1000, at the prospect of taking your child to Disneyland. Heck, you’ll be beside yourself with excitement, taking them to the soft play for the first time.
- You will become a cliche. A tired, coffee drinking, yawning, mess of a human. Don’t fight it, embrace your old, dirty clothes and dark eyes, complain how tired you are and how hard it is being a parent. No one is even listening anyway, you parent friends are too tired to listen to you and your kid free friends can’t comprehend anything you are saying anyway.
- Child birth is going to hurt. Emotionally and physically. You will be reliving that event over and over until your memory finally flips it to the best day of your life in order to fool you into procreating again. Do. Not. Listen. To. It. It’s a trap.
- You will push out a poop if you are squeezing a baby out. Sorry, but you will.
- You might be lucky or the baby might, quite literally rip you a new one down there. Woman all laugh and joke about it ‘oh i got stitches, I tore, I ripped‘ yada yada yada. Fuck off! You might rip, tear, melt, but let me tell you this, you might need an ‘anaesthetic’ on the yoooha and you are going to wish to squeeze that baby back up there and just pretend nothing happened. Vagina stitches hurt. And the young childless doctor is going to give you the ‘aww, are you ok, this isn’t very nice is it‘. Naw, it’s no, so stop fannying (ha!) about down there and get out my sight.
- You are going to switch camps very quickly, slide on into the parent camp. You will no longer be able to relate to childless people when they moan about how hard or tired or stressed they are. You will be too busy mind cursing them for all their free time and sleep filled nights. Misery loves company, so it’s best you hang with your parent pals.
- If you think you have the perfect relationship with your partner, I suggest you make a journal about it filled with lovey dovey pictures. For when that baby is out, your partner is going to become an arsehole. The woman is a needy, weeping, moany, stressed arsehole and the man is an arsehole – for everything. Enjoy your relationship now, it’s about to go tits up (or down as may be the case).
- Kids don’t come with an instruction manual, so don’t bother wasting your time readying any baby books. They make it look like an all expenses trip to a luxury villa in Barbados anyway, it’s more like a never ending camping holiday on a storm torn stony beach, with no tent and only a horny Trump for company. *Shudders
- It’s really not a big deal how you choose to feed your kid. Seriously, it’s really not.
- You are, or your lady partner, is going to go insane. For how long, is the real question.
- You are going to give in to your child on a regular basis. They want cake for breakfast, followed by cake and then maybe some more cake? You are going to give them it. You know why, because it’s Sunday and you just want to sit and drink your coffee without any fluffing drama at 8am, that’s why.
- You are going to hear everyone and anyone’s advice on raising a child. I did this, I did that, she should be sleeping all night, don’t give them sugar, this never hurt me. Blah blah blah – is what you will tell yourself by the end of the first year.
- For the first year of being a new parent, you will think whatever someone else says in relation to children is gospel. You will convince yourself, on more than one occasion that you have broken the baby or that you are a terrible parent. You haven’t, its all lies.
- Pack up your hobbies and store them in the loft, you won’t have time for such luxuries. You will look longingly at your old hobbies, clean dust of your Xbox every once in a while. You might stretch to buying the latest games for your console, but you will store them in the drawer with the rest of your dreams and aspirations (okay, maybe that last bit was a tad harsh).
- Like it or love it children’s TV is a life saver. And by life saver I mean a 10 minute escape from your child. You will learn to love (LOATHE) all things Peppa Pig and Paw Patrol (no you won’t, you’ll love that it occupies your child).
- You and your partner will compete in the Parent Olympics. Games include – ‘Who is the most tired’, ‘who got up the most last night’, ‘chore tallying’ and ‘I changed the last dirty nappy’. More advanced games include ‘fuck you, I’m leaving!’, ‘who’s turn for therapy is it anyway?’ and the ‘guess what change in body part is upsetting your partner today’.
- You will become a soppy love bubble. Your heart will melt when people go above and beyond for your child. Friends and family that show genuine love and interest towards your child will fill you will warmth you have never experienced before.
- You are going to become more obsessed with your child than a 15 year old Kardashian fan is with Kim K. You will develop a ‘no shame’ approach to over sharing on social media. You will have 10028409 baby pics on your phone, it’s only fair you share at least 10 of them to inform the world your kid just used a spoon correctly for the first time.
- Willing or not, you are about to enter into the most sexist realm on the planet. And the most judging realm you have even known. Buckle up and get your armor ready, you are going to need to defend your every baby and life decision – more so if you are female.
- The people you like the most are those than you can chat to, all day, about what your baby is doing. Most people hate this chat, heck I hate it, but when it comes to talking about my kid, well I could do that all day!
- You are going to battle through several different worlds of pain before you can become a ‘hero parent’. A hero parent is a veteran parent, a been there done that, nothing bothers me now, parent. This accolade is not easy obtained, there are stages you must pass through, if you have the stomach for it. The first stage is sheer panic, next is tiredness, then it’s disbelief, next – and the stage I’m in – therapy. Jokes!…. It’s bewilderment at the whole situation and seriously wondering how some parents haven’t packed up their minds and ran away to Barbados!
- You might end up so crazy after child birth you will be propelled into blogging…
- All your social media will change. It will soon be full of parenting forums, mum pages, dad pages, ideas to entertain a toddler, does my baby have a life threatening illness as she coughed twice in a week. It’s going to go full metal Parent. And you are going to revel in it.
- You will sacrifice your favourite boots in order to comfort your sick child who is currently puking up their stomach contents on said boots. Rugs, sofas, carpets, clothing and bedding will all be subject to this abuse. It won’t even phase you, even though childless you is squirming in sheer horror at the mere thought of this.
- The responsibility of a child, the OVERWHELMING responsibility of a child is going to hit you like a tonne of bricks. You might think you are mentally prepared for looking after a child, you might think you can handle sleepless nights, nappy changing, feeding, soothing, screaming, but what you don’t know yet, is this is the easy stuff. Being a ‘adult’ faced with raising a new born child and keeping it alive long enough so that it can hurl abuse at you, is going to smack you in the face and you are going to freak out and wonder how the hell people do this!
- Honestly, you will never pee, poop, shower or bath alone. And whats more, you are going to enjoy these mini bathroom social gatherings. Not all the time, but a high majority of the time you will enjoy a little company while washing your hair, toddlers inspecting my poop and giving me a high five for ‘poo poo’ is something I can live without really, but I’ll take all the compliments I can get.
- All these notions of romantic night when you manage to get a babysitter are shite. Throw that carry on in the bin. If someone agrees to watch Satan child, you and your partner will discuss the various wonderful things you can do with your freedom. Wine and a nice meal? The cinema? A long drive? A romantic night away? – Naw! Both of you will opt for a take away and slobbing out in front of the TV into the small hours of the morning, a rare luxury that never occurs when one needs to be up at 7am with a toddler – no TV show is worth that sleep deprived torture. You might throw in a little ‘who’s your father’ but it will be a quick pressing of the right buttons so you can save that valuable free time for more important stuff like eating chocolate cake while binge watching Mr Robot.
- Wave good bye to your youth. The stress that accompanies having a child is going to kick start your aging process or accelerate it at a phenomenal pace. Grey hairs, baggy eyes, sagging skin, baldness, weight gain, memory loss, incontinence, lack of understanding youths, lack of giving a fuck, extreme tiredness, sub-par functioning of sexual organs caused by extreme tiredness, it’s all coming for you. All at a top notch speed.
I can laugh now, I’m riding the wave, it’s the poor optimistic idiots that are looking forward to having a child that I feel sorry for. Sure it’s great and all that, but lets be serious here, it’s the definition of insane, especially as people have more than one child!