It’s almost time. Time for me to enter a new decade. Time for me to turn 30.
I’m not all too fussed about it, age is but a number right? Maybe, look, I don’t want to give the big 3-0 bad press, but it’s awfully suspicious that the closer it gets the more I notice things. A change in things, new things, getting old things.
In celebration of me….and having serious bloggers block, I’m going to compile series of ’30 things……’ starting off with 30 changes I have noticed as I edge closer to my big 30 day – my birthday isn’t for another 4 months, can you tell I’m struggling to blog at the moment?
30 (moans) changes I’ve noticed as I near 30
1.My skin moves. A lot. I put a watch on and my skin moves with the watch, I need to be careful not to pinch it. How do I describe it mmm? Imagine using a hand drier, blowing your skin about, well my skin is losing elasticity so quick I wouldn’t be surprised if my skin just sets under the drier one day. I’ll have skin cuffs, if you will.
2. Grey hair. An obvious one, for sure. I didn’t have any 2 years ago (which also, suspiciously, correlates with when Jess was born), now I pluck a grey a day to keep the hair dye at bay.
3. My back hurts, aww my back, all the time. I’m forever stretching, twisting and ‘clicking’ my back in and out of shape.
4. Speaking of ‘clicking’, I’ve always had fairly ‘clicky’ bones but the older I get the more I’m cracking and popping about the place. More often than not, I’ll need to straighten my legs to pop my knee.
5. Going to bed feeling fine, only to wake up in the morning with a full blown cold making you feel so ill, you contact the Grimm Reaper to ask him to get it over with already.
6. Muscle cramps. What is the need? I’ve had my toes cramp while shopping?! What?! If I laugh too hard I’m in very real danger of pulling muscles in my neck. That’s no right.
7. Alcohol is now my nemesis. Back in the day, I was immune to the stuff. I could neck ciders, vodka, sambuca, tequila – in the one glass and be fine….well, not fine, but I could certainly still walk and function enough to prevent death or serious injury. As time has passed, I can’t do it. I’m that crazy ‘one glass’ wine lady thats swinging her knickers over her head, dancing on the table, telling tales of old after a whiff of wine.
8. After the knicker swinging, the alcohol will punish me. Not for half a day, not for a full day, not even two days! I’m talking a 3 plus day hangover. NOT A CHANCE! No. This isn’t right! In my early 20s I was relatively immune to hangovers, I could attend work the next day – in fact usually I looked forward to work so I could relive last nights antics with my work buddies and we would all share in our hangoverness. Now, I can have a full blown hangover on a single glass of prosecco. I’m not even joking.
9. I’m tired, all the time. I could nap, all day, every day. The idea of being outside the house after 8pm does not appeal in the slightest, it’s getting pretty close to bedtime and I need to get ready to meet my one and only love – my bed.
10. If, for whatever INSANE reason, I am still awake past 1am, I will pay the price in the morning. I may as well have necked a bottle of Southern Comfort coz I am going to feel like utter crap in the morning. I won’t be able to function, I’ll be yawning, moaning and tending to my skin, which gets itchy and red if I get less that 6 hours sleep.
11. ITCHY and RED skin as a result of no sleep? WTF man?! I’m 30, not suffering from a skin complaint! Sort your life out complexion!
12. I actually need to moisturise my hands, daily. I drink a shit tonne of water, I’m just old and drying up.
13. I have zero time for ‘drama’. I’m too old, too tired and too hungry for any of your shite.
14. A night out in town fills me with the fear. Fear of missing out on sleep ad feeling like death’s love child in the morning, not fear of being too old, not hip or cool enough, hell no, I got over that fear the first time I wore clothing that covered my knees and flat shoes out in town.
15. I often find myself looking at jacket less youths, standing at a bus stop, and think ‘gosh, they must be freezing’ – it’s not cool to wear a jacket, a ‘cool’ trend I regularly entertained in my younger days. Now I shiver as I drive by them with my knee length winter coat and heated seat on full wack in mid August. Brrrr. Crazy kids.
16. Exerting energy other than for work, Jess and Dave on birthdays and anniversaries (jokes….) will not happen. I don’t have infinite energy supplies anymore, I must use them wisely. Wisely meaning getting through work without sneaky napping at my PC, dealing with the solar powered energy drainer that is a 2 year old and mustering up enough reserve energy to finally wash that nasty hair of mine. Ain’t no one got time for mid week catch ups, or ever weekend catch ups.
17. I have no problem ignoring messages from people, likewise I don’t get upset when they ignore me as I think we have a mutual ‘can’t be arsed’ understanding at this age. In previous years I may have worried that they are upset or mad at me, now I know they just can’t be bothered, that’s cool, coz neither can I.
18. ‘Fuck it’ is my motto. Don’t want to go to the party, but worried you are being rude – fuck it, don’t go. Want to eat a whole tub of custard with chocolate cake for dinner – fuck it. Want to go to Disneyland for new year but it’s expensive – fuck it, book the flights. Want to have one more glass of wine – fuc….hold on a minute. No, no you do not, put it down and back away lady! Christ, you trying to kill yourself?!
19. I fantasize about food all day, every day. Daydreaming about what take away delight I will force David into buying me, then I stopping to think about how terrible it is that we eat junk on a regular basis and that our hearts and arteries must be clogging up by now. But then I think ‘fuck it‘ and plan my meal.
20. It’s true what they say, time does fly when you get old. I’m only 30 and I’m certain it was Christmas 2016 last week! Can you imagine how fast it must fly for my 90 odd year old grandmother?! She must have literally pushed my maw out a few weeks ago in her eyes! Terrifying.
21. I find myself browsing home improvement websites or stores on a weekly basis for solutions to all the shite that keeps breaking in our house – the bathroom light switch is the next on my list. Weekends are for chores, not hangovers.
22. I am completely affronted when youths ‘steal’ my music. If you don’t know the words to the Vengaboys then you do not have the right to dance to the Vengaboys. Sit down child.
23. My memory has upped and backed it’s bags, for good I think. This is a recent finding. I was always on the ball, now I don’t know where I left the ball. If you ask to meet me on a specific date, you better remind me at least 10 times before that date. Even if it is tomorrow.
24. A good mattress is essential. Ain’t nobody got time for cheap soft mattresses at this point in life. My back cani handle it.
25. Confidence in myself has grown, most likely due to my tired and ‘fuck it’ attitude. I’m not meaning the ‘I can do this!!’ kinda confidence, more the ‘I like it and I don’t care if you do(n’t)’. I may own one (two) pairs of glittery trainers, I may own Nintendo vans, I may be a proud Belieber (eventually as my niece is oh so keen to point out. People can change C!! I’m a Belieber now and that’s all that matters), I may get very excited about all things Nintendo and dream about having an entire room dedicated to Nintendo.
26. I genuinely crave fruit sometimes. If that’s not a dire state of affairs then I don’t know what is. Craving fruit, coz your body is getting so old that it can’t pull the necessary vitamins from a chicken nugget, that’s a sorry state to be in.
27. Not much will embarrass me at this point. I’m not sure if that’s age of the indignity that comes with (shitting in front of your partner and a stranger) child birth, but either way I’m over it. You just walked into the stall I pooped in? Listen, you gotta go when you gotta go. Just fell walking out the pub, listen, I’ve not worn heels for over 2 years and to be quite honest you are lucky I’m out the house at this time on a Saturday night. Little bit of pee came out when I laughed, listen, it’s all I could do to stop the flood gates, think your sofa lucky pal.
28. Not much will stress me (apart from everything and anything as I literally go insane every month or so as I’m tearing my hair out with this MFing depression and anxiety). Maybe I hit a parked car, maybe I got a speeding ticket, maybe my entire external house needs repaired, maybe that fence still hasn’t been fixed from the storm in Dec 2016, maybe I fell, twisted my ankle, almost passed out with the pain and now it’s clicky and still sore (it was months ago I decked it). Who cares, no me. Fuck it.
29. My body automatically wakes me up before 8am, most days. What kind of old monster have I become. 8 am isn’t even early to me anymore. I’ve literally turned into my dad waking at 8 am before the alarm and not being able to get back to sleep. I truly believe all I need is a decent lie in, but noooooooo, my 30 year old ass wakes, with the fluffing birds apparently and is ready for the day. Bloody hell man.
30. Arguably the most shocking thing about nearing 30 is that I am becoming my parents, your parents, everyone’s parents. I find I can relate more to my ‘quirky’ school teachers and ‘weird’ ‘old’ parents ways than I can to anyone below the age of 25. Like, I would think ‘why does X wear those weird ass clothes from the 70s?!’, now I look in my wardrobe and see nothing but A) clothes that for the most part are older than Jess by a good few years or B) clothes that look suspiciously similar to those that I wore in my teens. I’m talking comfy t-shirts, straight legged (BTW, an absolute rarity these days, apparently) jeans, trainers, lots of trainers and zippers. Having a child has done nothing to help evade the dreaded ‘becoming you parents’ trap. ‘Don’t speak to me like that’, ‘go to your bedroom’, ‘don’t leave your food on the floor’, ‘brush your teeth’, ‘no, no more biscuits’, ‘put your toys away’, ‘stop it’ – I’m not sure if that’s my parent’s I’m quoting or me. Jess has accelerated the morphing into my parent’s programme at a phenomenal speed. I full expect to be playing scrabble and watching old war movies on those random Freeview channels any day now and becoming very perplexed at all this new fangled technology the ‘kids’ are using – I really don’t get Pinterest.
Do know how hard that was for me NOT to write 30 things on my body that hurt right now? Gosh, I need a lie down on my orthopedic mattress and a warm lavender compress after all that hard work. Probably need to call in sick to work now too.