Rug for sale – may sell Toddler for right price

Shaggy rug for sale!

Get yourself a bargain!!! Fifty quid O.J.F.T.I (Or just f*ing take it!)

Product Description:

Large sized shaggy rug in the colour ‘Natural’. Just over a year old, cost over £100 new from Dunelm doon in Clydebank.

The rug has been significant upgraded over the past year, so you really are getting a belter of a bargain. All customized upgrades are the work of Jess, therefore I am unable to accept liability for any infections and/or injuries you may incur whilst using the product.

New features include:

Coin slots with at least £4 in short change. This equates to approximately 50 odd coins scattered in various places on the rug. Bonus feature – you will ALWAYS be finding new coins thanks to Jessica’s Reoccurring Coinage Technology (patent pending). The more you pick up (via hands or vacuum) the more will appear.

Unlimited Snack age capabilities. Using similar technology to that of the Reoccurring Coinage, Jessica has cleverly infused her new groundbreaking D.I.S.G.U.S.T technology (Dried In Sticky Guffing Ungodly Snacks Today) – (patent pending). Day or night, you can lay your tired hungry head on the rug, face first, to discover a plethora of snacks right on your lips. Specialties include – raisins, dry cereal, cookie crumbs and, Jessica’s personal favourite, toast.

If light snacks are not your thing, don’t fear. With the newly added S.P.E.W (Sick Puked EveryWhere) function, you can enjoy a whole belly worth of soup (only one soup option is currently available – lentil with chunks of carrot). If you prefer a sweet treat, banana milk shake is also available at the other end of the rug.

Callus Removal – yup you read that right! Give yourself a pedicure while you feast on snacks. This game changing technology has been a year in the making, all Jessica’s hard work has finally paid off! Sections of the rug are infused with milk and bodily fluids to such as point that the rug had become hard, rock hard. Providing the perfect skin scraping roughness to give you baby soft feet once again.

So don’t delay, contact me today!! All this could be yours for fifty bucks! That’s right!! Only fifty bucks and you could have a large stinking rug of torture, I mean a large cosy, snack providing rug that will make you the envy of all your friends and family!

Act quick before you miss out on this amazing opportunity!!!!

N.B Offers of rug swaps will be entertained on the condition that the rug you want to give me is brand new and immune to toddlers.

 

15 Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *