Let me tell you about this wonderful new piece of furniture I bought recently!
I had been thinking about purchasing it for a while, it’s a bit pricey so I had been swaying back and forth over it for months. One day, a few weeks ago, I thought ‘auch, just do it!’.
Being the tight arse I am (Scottish for cheap), I looked around online trying to find the best deal for my purchase. I spent quite a considerable amount of time clicking through various sites, I knew what I wanted, so I just had to find it for the right price. Low and behold, there it was, on trusty Amazon! Click, click, buy – you are mine now sucker!
Feeling smug at my thriftiness, I could not wait for my purchase – ‘it’s going to be great, Dave will love it, Jess will love it, I already love it!’ I thought to myself. Luckily for impatient chump face here, it was promptly delivered a few days later – to my parents house. I was too excited to notice I hadn’t changed the delivery details. No biggy, I had been camping out in their house waiting for my delivery. I kid, I was there picking up Jess after work when the package of desire was delivered. With great haste, I set about unboxing my new piece of furniture!!
My mother looked on a bit puzzled as Jess and I ripped into the outer brown delivery box, she was wondering why I was opening my package in her house and not waiting till I got home. I couldn’t wait that long (the whole 5 minute car journey), it needed to be unboxed right away, I proudly wanted to show off my new buy.
Being the ever resourceful human (lazy) I tore into the packaging tape with my keys, Jess helped to tear the cardboard from all angles while my mum uttered something about me spending money like it’s going out of fashion, yet I complain I’m skint (Scottish for poor). I wasn’t caring, the thrill of a new purchase out weights eating any day.
The box was open! I pulled out my purchase and set about tearing my way into it’s box. Jess gave ohhhs and ahhhs, she was just as excited as me! Monster child couldn’t wait to get her grubby little fingers on the prize. She helped me unpack, we pulled out the long white rod, the pink basket, the sun visor, the seat, the handle bars, one wheel, two wheels, three wheels!
Yup, my new piece of furniture is a trike. A bleeping, big, solid lump of pink and white shite that we have nowhere to store, so it sits in our livingroom. It that not where everyone keeps outdoor toys? No?
Let me give you a little background as to why this bloody trike has taken up residence in our front room (ha front room – like we have a back room, I’m sure this is just a posh way to say livingroom). House prices in Glasgow can be wild, especially in an area like ours. It’s close enough to the city to commute and far enough out to enjoy plenty of parks and green space. We needed a place near both our parents as they have the wonderful job of watching beast child while we work. So it left us with very little options, and those options are not cheap. Don’t get me wrong, I like our little house, it has everything we need, bedrooms, poop room, kitchen, loft space and a huge garden. But it lacks space for stuff. Stuff like a trike. I knew this when I made the decision to buy it, I even remarked as I clicked buy that I will regret it. Where the hell would I keep it?
The f’ing ‘front’ room apparently.
Once again, my better judgment was shunned to make way for my incessant want to give Jess things. I said I wouldn’t spoil her, I can’t help myself! I’m not thaaaat bad, although Amazon did suggest that I buy some birthday balloons and banners with my purchase. Don’t you judge me Amazon!! It’s just a little pre birthday treat…
Aye, a treat for me! The bloody thing hasn’t left the living room. Apart from the few times it’s been nice enough to take it outside for a spin, the trike has sat firmly in the living room. You know, the room filled with all Jessica’s other crap, the room you use every day, the room people like to relax in? That room. It just sits there. Gathering dust. Right in front of the sofa (or as I like to call it, the world most expensive clothes horse), taking up more space than we can afford. Like I said, it’s not a big house, so a trike sitting pride of place in the living room that we all use is not the best idea I have ever had.
Jess has barely looked at my best ever waste of cash. Sometimes she sits on it and tries to strap herself in, most days she doesn’t even see it. She did give us a bit of a show when he auntie J came round, climbing up on the trike only to let go and fall off the other side, which we all thought was hilarious, so she continued to do it for a while. Her falls becoming more laboured and elaborate as the minutes passed. She is very funny, and slightly unhinged I think. She tends to do a creepy forced fake laugh when you stop laughing at her, she’s a weird one. But still, least she played with it for a while.
It’s been weeks since that fateful day of purchase and we have yet to find a place for the trike to live. And by we I mean me, David is taking nothing to do with it since it was my bright idea. Whaaatever. I like our new furniture, it’s cool. If hipsters can get away with serving cocktails in a gramophone then I can get away with having a trike as a table. When you think about it, it’s actually genius. I mean, you can use it to store nappies or as a table or a portable tea and biscuit cart or for drying clothes.
So you see it’s actually a great multifunctional addition to our home. In no way what so ever is it a giant pain in the ass that I look at and think ‘could have bought two pairs of fucking Toms for myself instead of that useless piece of shit’.
No, I would never think like that. I am never wrong. I don’t make mistakes. The trike is the best thing i have bought – it’s right up there with the Toms I bought Jess…that are actually an adult size 5, which I also totally meant.
FFS. This is the last piece of ‘Jess’ shite I am buying.
*wonders what colour of little tikes cozy coupe is the coolest